Our Relationship with Money: Breaking the Cycle of Shame, Spending and Financial Stress
Our Relationship with Money: Breaking the Cycle of Shame, Spending and Financial Stress
How understanding our money mindset can help us build healthier habits, improve our wellbeing and find greater financial peace of mind.
Money is part of everyday life, yet talking about it openly can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. For many of us, checking our bank balance can bring a mixture of relief, anxiety, guilt or even shame. We might know what is coming in and going out, or we might avoid looking altogether because we are worried about what we will find.
But what if our relationship with money is about more than numbers? What if it is also shaped by our emotions, childhood experiences, beliefs and the habits we have developed over many years?
Understanding these influences can be an important first step towards improving our financial wellbeing.
Why does money make us feel the way it does?
Think about the first emotion you experience when you open your banking app. Is it confidence? Relief? Dread? Or perhaps a familiar knot in your stomach?
For some people, carefully tracking every penny provides reassurance. Knowing which bills are due, how much money is available and what needs to be paid can create a welcome sense of control. For others, checking their account can feel overwhelming, particularly if they have experienced debt, financial uncertainty or difficulties managing money in the past.
Financial worries can affect our sleep, concentration, relationships and mental health. Yet many people keep their concerns to themselves because they fear being judged.
There can be a powerful sense of shame attached to struggling financially, as though our bank balance somehow measures our success, competence or worth as a person.
But financial difficulties are not a personal failure.
Life changes, unexpected expenses, rising bills and past decisions can all affect our circumstances. Rather than blaming ourselves, we can begin by recognising where we are now and identifying the small, practical steps that could help us move forward.
Our money mindset starts earlier than we think
Our relationship with money often develops long before we earn our first wage.
The attitudes we witness growing up can influence how we think about spending, saving, borrowing and financial security. Perhaps money was scarce in our household, and we learned that there would never be enough. Perhaps we saw our parents work incredibly hard for everything they had, leading us to believe that money only comes through sacrifice and effort.
Alternatively, we may have grown up associating spending with happiness, celebration or feeling better when life was difficult.
These experiences can shape our beliefs as adults.
A scarcity mindset, for example, can leave us feeling that we never have enough, even when our circumstances have improved. It can also lead us to make decisions based on fear rather than what we genuinely need.
We might spend impulsively because we worry that an opportunity will disappear. We might avoid looking at our finances because we are frightened of discovering a problem. Or we might use shopping as a temporary escape from stress, loneliness or boredom.
Recognising these patterns is not about criticising ourselves or our families. It is about understanding where our habits may have come from and deciding whether they still serve us.
The temptation to spend: Why is it so difficult to resist?
We live in a world where spending money has never been easier.
Contactless payments, shopping apps, social media influencers, targeted advertisements and tempting discounts constantly encourage us to buy. A quick scroll can turn into a full shopping basket, while a trip to the shops for one essential item can leave us coming home with several things we never intended to purchase.
The convenience of tapping a card or phone can also make spending feel less tangible. When we use physical cash, we can see the money leaving our hands. With digital payments, it can be easier to lose track of how much we have spent.
Small purchases can be particularly deceptive. A coffee here, a snack there, an inexpensive online bargain or an extra item added to the weekly shop might not seem significant in isolation. Over time, however, these transactions can add up and leave us wondering where our money has gone.
This is where awareness becomes powerful.
Instead of simply asking ourselves why we cannot stop spending, we can become curious about what happens before we make a purchase.
Are we bored? Stressed? Seeking a little reward after a difficult day? Responding to a discount? Or buying something because everyone else seems to have it?
Understanding the reason behind the urge can help us make more intentional choices.
Learning to ride the wave of an urge
One useful concept is urge surfing.
Imagine an urge to buy something as an ocean wave. It builds, becomes more intense and creates a feeling that we need to act immediately. In that moment, the purchase can seem irresistible.
But urges are temporary. They rise and fall, and we do not have to act on every feeling we experience.
Urge surfing involves noticing the craving without immediately responding to it. Rather than fighting the feeling or judging ourselves for having it, we pause and allow it to pass.
The next time you feel tempted to make an unnecessary purchase, try these simple steps:
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Pause. Give yourself a few moments before clicking buy or reaching for your card.
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Notice the feeling. Are you excited, anxious, bored or looking for comfort?
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Question the need. Do you genuinely need the item, or do you want the feeling you imagine it will bring?
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Give yourself time. Consider waiting 24 hours before making a non-essential purchase.
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Redirect your attention. Go for a walk, make a cup of tea, contact a friend or do something that helps you feel good without spending.
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Reconnect with your priorities. Think about what you are saving for and what matters most to you in the longer term.
The aim is not to remove every pleasure from our lives. It is to create a little space between feeling an urge and acting on it.
That space gives us the opportunity to choose rather than react.
Practical ways to take control of your money
Improving financial wellbeing does not necessarily require a complicated spreadsheet or a complete lifestyle overhaul. Small, realistic changes can make a meaningful difference.
1. Understand what is coming in and going out
Spend some time reviewing your income, regular bills, subscriptions and everyday purchases. Looking at your bank statements can reveal patterns you might not have noticed.
Try to approach this exercise with curiosity rather than criticism. The purpose is to understand your spending, not to make yourself feel guilty about it.
2. Find a budgeting method that works for you
Some people prefer banking apps and spreadsheets. Others find physical cash or separate spending pots easier to manage.
For example, allocating a specific amount for weekly food shopping can help you see exactly what is available. Meal planning, batch cooking and shopping lists can also reduce unnecessary purchases and food waste.
There is no single budgeting method that suits everyone. The best approach is one you can realistically maintain.
3. Plan for the unexpected
Where your circumstances allow, gradually building an emergency fund can help create a greater sense of security. Even a small amount set aside regularly may help you prepare for unexpected expenses, such as a car repair or household emergency.
If saving is not currently possible, do not view this as a failure. Focus first on understanding your essential expenses and finding appropriate support if you need it.
4. Reduce the temptation to spend
Unsubscribe from promotional emails, remove shopping apps from your home screen or limit the time you spend browsing online shops.
You might also choose to leave unnecessary items in your online basket rather than completing the purchase immediately.
Making spending less automatic can help you regain a sense of choice.
5. Focus on quality and value
An inexpensive purchase can feel like a bargain, but repeatedly replacing something that breaks may cost more over time than buying a durable alternative.
Consider the item's usefulness, quality and expected lifespan rather than simply its price.
6. Give your money a purpose
Saving can feel more motivating when it is connected to something meaningful. Perhaps you want to enjoy a family holiday, prepare for Christmas, reduce debt or create a financial cushion.
Having a clear goal can make it easier to resist spending that does not align with your priorities.
Could a spending challenge help?
One idea discussed was a six-month challenge to buy only necessities, such as essential food and drink, while avoiding non-essential purchases such as new clothes, shoes and makeup.
This approach will not be suitable for everyone, and essential needs differ from person to person. However, the underlying idea is worth exploring: what might happen if we became more deliberate about what we buy?
We could rediscover clothes already hanging in our wardrobes, repair items rather than replace them, experiment with restyling what we own or find enjoyment in activities that do not involve shopping.
It is not about deprivation or proving how little we can spend. It is about questioning the assumption that buying something new is always the answer to boredom, dissatisfaction or the desire for a little happiness.
Sometimes, having less can help us appreciate what we already have.
Money, relationships and the next generation
Money rarely affects just one person. It can influence relationships, household decisions and family life.
Partners may have different attitudes towards spending and saving, different incomes or different ideas about what constitutes a fair contribution to household bills. Without open communication, these differences can become a source of tension.
Approaching financial conversations with honesty and compassion can help. Rather than focusing on blame, couples can work together to understand their circumstances, agree on shared priorities and discuss what feels fair and manageable.
These conversations are equally important with children.
Young people learn about money not only through what we tell them, but through what they observe. If they see us avoiding bills, worrying constantly about money or making impulsive purchases, they may absorb those patterns without realising it.
Equally, seeing adults budget, save towards goals, think carefully before purchasing and talk openly about financial decisions can help them develop healthier habits.
We do not need to get everything right before we can teach our children. Being willing to acknowledge mistakes, learn and make changes can be a valuable lesson in itself.
Financial wellbeing is about more than money
It is easy to believe that financial peace of mind will arrive when we earn more, buy the right things or finally reach a particular savings target.
Of course, having sufficient income to meet our needs is fundamental. For people facing financial hardship, practical and financial support may be essential.
However, our relationship with money also involves how safe we feel, how we respond to uncertainty and whether our spending reflects what genuinely matters to us.
Financial wellbeing is not about comparing ourselves with others or achieving a perfect bank balance. It is about understanding our circumstances, making informed decisions and developing habits that support our needs and values.
For some people, that might mean learning to check their bank account without fear. For others, it might mean reducing impulse purchases, starting a savings habit, having a difficult conversation with a partner or seeking advice about debt.
Every positive step counts.
If money worries are affecting your mental health or feel too difficult to manage alone, consider speaking to a trusted person or seeking free, independent debt and money guidance. You do not have to work everything out by yourself.
A final thought: Replace shame with curiosity
The next time you find yourself worrying about money or reaching for something you do not really need, try asking yourself a different question.
Instead of “Why am I so bad with money?”, ask, “What is happening for me right now, and what would help me make a decision that supports my wellbeing?”
That simple shift can open the door to greater self-awareness and compassion.
We cannot always control the financial pressures around us, but we can begin to understand our habits, challenge the beliefs that hold us back and make small changes where possible.
Because a healthier relationship with money does not begin with judgement. It begins with understanding, awareness and the confidence to choose a different way forward.